Decisions...

It's crazy how people from your past can come back and throw a wrench in everything..things are going right but somehow they just fuck everything up. Now I have to make a decision..one I never thought I would have to make and one I don't want to. For the love of money right? That's what all this is about..fucking money..and I'm actually torn between my morals and money because I'm in a bind. What am I going to do?

Holidays, New Year and a bunch of confusion..

Happy New Year!! And I feel like a complete ass knowing this is a private blog..smh. I'm honestly thinking about making this thing public but I just don't know how. But anyway..I had a wonderful holiday season. Spent it with family of course. It's what any person with a semi-sane family would do. I spent Christmas eve with my mother and Christmas day at my aunt's house and had dinner there at which my mother didn't show up. Odd but I half expected it from her. The best part of the day was seeing my beautiful niece experience her first Christmas. She was too adorable in her little red dress and house shoes..because she refuses to wear real ones..but in all the day was wonderful and dinner was delicious. Very festive. And then there was New Years in which I actually spent at home..I know it's tragically surprising but I just didn't feel like going out and plus I had no one to go with but I enjoyed the quiet of being at home. The only thing missing from these holidays was my love. Yea I know I said I was over the back and forth and I was actually crushing on someone else..but who am I kidding..he has my heart forever. And even though we haven't been together on most holidays we were at least on speaking terms. But not this year. I'm missing him like crazy and it's really starting to pain me. I just want to hear his voice but I'm absolutely terrified of pushing him away any further. I feel like I'm going through withdrawl and he is my drug of choice. I try to keep my mind off him but there are just so many reminders of him in this house, this city, this state. The only thing I want to do is pick up everything and go to him and throw myself into his arms. Sounds crazy huh?? I just feel so connected to him like he was made for me. It's just the wrong time. Right people, wrong time. And it's mostly my fault I believe. He gives me no reason to be skeptical of his love or not trust him but I've been jaded..truly hurt. And the painful part is the person who hurt me was someone I was dealing with after him. A 3 month affair with some kid has made me doubt the love of a man who has loved me for 3 years. Despite my flaws and my insecurities..showed me it was possible to find love at such a young age..but it was true. He will always have a hold on me and I don't want him to let go. But I'm messing it all up being as insecure as I am. I'm letting distance change the love. Love that was so pure that everyone around us could see it..feel it. My superman. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. I will always compare every man I encounter to him and it's not fair to anyone..especially me because no one will ever amount to him. I need him. I know we can work through whatever is going wrong. I feel empty.  I want my man back. I need my love back.