IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🎉🎊🎈🎂🍰 I can't help but to feel blessed to be celebrating 22 years of living..at first I didn't think this birthday was going to be that good because I didn't have a lot of money or an ID to go out but I was wrong..it turned out to be a wonderful birthday because I got to spend it with family..the ones who truly love and care for me..I may not have all the material things but I have what counts the most..I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me and God willing I will be celebrating 23... 

I'm still here..

I'm back!!! Kinda redundant to say that since I'm the only one who reads this..haven't been here in almost and so many things have changed..things have changed in work, love and in life in general. Through all of this I'm still standing though..$$$..let's start there, with the money..I was unemployed for the better part of a year. Definitely not something I was used to..since I got my first job I worked my ass off for everything I wanted..I was used to having money at my disposal, so being broke was something new to me..it really hurt that I couldn't help my mom with bills and she never asked for anything and actually bought me a car..but a year later I have 3 jobs and things are looking up..even though I'm sleeping on my sisters couch it will be moving into a new place in January or February hopefully..the reason I'm here is because I ran into a little legal trouble and caught a DUI charge..it's not something I'm proud of but I have to deal with the consequences of my actions but trust I've learned my lesson..So what's next?? Oh yea 😍😍 my love life..it's nonexistent 😞..my love and I have been broken up for almost a year..it hurts but I'm trying to move on everyday..it wasn't an ugly break up, we just grew apart..we still loved each other but we were falling out of love so we split..shortly after that I learned that he had a new girlfriend..I don't think I had ever felt more defeated than in that moment..but I had to accept that he was moving forward and I should do the same but it hasn't been as easy for me..3 guys..no actually 4, that I gave my time and attention to and was thrown away everytime..I'm so over it..I'm just ready to focus on me..there is this one guy that a really like but everything is standing in the way of us being together..I honestly don't think we will ever be..I don't have faith in this whole situation..it's wrong but I just want to feel wanted again and I'm not talking in a sexual manner. I want to feel wanted as a woman..mind, body and soul..but this thing is so wrong but so beautiful..it's wrong...he's married. I've always told myself I would never be they "other woman" but this man makes me feel some type of way..he keeps telling me that we'll be together soon and that his wife is leaving..but I know she's not..as much as I want to believe that she's leaving and he and I will be happy I know better..those are just promises to keep me around and it's working..I'm enamored with him but we will never be..he's married and she's pregnant..I will never come first..but with all that said and done..my life is still a big ball of confusion..life is funny..you find yourself in situations that you would never think you would be in..you try to stay in the right track but sometimes life gives you a detour..no one said it would be easy but I'm still standing..I'm still here 💋

Decisions...

It's crazy how people from your past can come back and throw a wrench in everything..things are going right but somehow they just fuck everything up. Now I have to make a decision..one I never thought I would have to make and one I don't want to. For the love of money right? That's what all this is about..fucking money..and I'm actually torn between my morals and money because I'm in a bind. What am I going to do?

Holidays, New Year and a bunch of confusion..

Happy New Year!! And I feel like a complete ass knowing this is a private blog..smh. I'm honestly thinking about making this thing public but I just don't know how. But anyway..I had a wonderful holiday season. Spent it with family of course. It's what any person with a semi-sane family would do. I spent Christmas eve with my mother and Christmas day at my aunt's house and had dinner there at which my mother didn't show up. Odd but I half expected it from her. The best part of the day was seeing my beautiful niece experience her first Christmas. She was too adorable in her little red dress and house shoes..because she refuses to wear real ones..but in all the day was wonderful and dinner was delicious. Very festive. And then there was New Years in which I actually spent at home..I know it's tragically surprising but I just didn't feel like going out and plus I had no one to go with but I enjoyed the quiet of being at home. The only thing missing from these holidays was my love. Yea I know I said I was over the back and forth and I was actually crushing on someone else..but who am I kidding..he has my heart forever. And even though we haven't been together on most holidays we were at least on speaking terms. But not this year. I'm missing him like crazy and it's really starting to pain me. I just want to hear his voice but I'm absolutely terrified of pushing him away any further. I feel like I'm going through withdrawl and he is my drug of choice. I try to keep my mind off him but there are just so many reminders of him in this house, this city, this state. The only thing I want to do is pick up everything and go to him and throw myself into his arms. Sounds crazy huh?? I just feel so connected to him like he was made for me. It's just the wrong time. Right people, wrong time. And it's mostly my fault I believe. He gives me no reason to be skeptical of his love or not trust him but I've been jaded..truly hurt. And the painful part is the person who hurt me was someone I was dealing with after him. A 3 month affair with some kid has made me doubt the love of a man who has loved me for 3 years. Despite my flaws and my insecurities..showed me it was possible to find love at such a young age..but it was true. He will always have a hold on me and I don't want him to let go. But I'm messing it all up being as insecure as I am. I'm letting distance change the love. Love that was so pure that everyone around us could see it..feel it. My superman. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. I will always compare every man I encounter to him and it's not fair to anyone..especially me because no one will ever amount to him. I need him. I know we can work through whatever is going wrong. I feel empty.  I want my man back. I need my love back.

I'm Crushing

I have a crush on someone. I know, I know; how high school is that huh? But I think it's kind of cute. Being an adult it's kind of funny saying that I do have a crush on someone. But here's the kicker: I've had a crush on him before, since like 7th grade. So that's roughly 7 years. Smh and I'm too freaking afraid to say something because he may not like me back. I know it's so juvenile but it's kinda thrilling lol. I don't think that makes sense but I think it's adorable. Makes me feel like a kid again.

Attraction

It's funny who you actually find yourself attracted to. Of course everyone has their so called"type" but sometimes it's the person that doesn't fit that criteria that you are the most attracted to. It's that person's ability to get you out of your box that gets you hooked. Another thing, why do people get attracted to people who are in relationships? Happy ones. Everyone has been there. When you're single it seems like no one looks your way but as soon as you find someone everybody from your past and new people come out of the wood work. It's the fact that someone has that bond with that person and is experiencing a side of them that you want to see. The fact that they aren't readily available when you want them is what draws you to someone in a relationship. Life is complicated yet entertaining to watch.

Do you like drugs?? Yep? Well not me..

I popped a Molly..got a lecture..Wooo!!! That shit sounds cool in the songs but it ain't. That lifestyle ain't for everybody. Everyone makes it seem like it's all a good time but it's a drug nonetheless. "Molly" is the purest form of X. A high like I've never experienced before. I felt like I was dancing on the moon...and then all hell broke loose. As soon as I inhaled this drug into my system I knew this was the biggest mistake of my life. And the fact that I left my friends and left with 3 people I didn't know to get makes me even angrier with myself. Needless to say when I returned to the kickback my boys were beyond pissed. When the girl pulled out 2 small blue baggies of a white powder I got scared but the alcohol and adrenaline told me to proceed. Big mistake. 1/2 gram of ecstacy is what I put into my body. That's the equivalent to 3 pills which I didn't know at the time and mixed with the alcohol that could have been my last night. Ever. Luckily my sister came to my aid when my friends alerted her to what I was doing. People keep asking me why didn't the people
I was with stop me and I gotta pick people that I know are going to look out to hang with and that's when I have to take defense. I'm the type of person that's gonna do whatever I please and at that point all they could do was make sure no one touched while I took my trip and when someone tried they almost did them in. And then sat up all night to watch over me while I took a trip and then tried to sleep. When I awoke I had no recollection of the night before. Come to find out I had sex with a friend of mine. Smh. I was mortified and felt like dying. Sure the feeling of euphoria was nice but it wasn't worth losing a friend and people thinking less of me. It's an unbelievable high followed by a worse low. It's not worth and it's crazy dangerous. Don't follow in these stars footsteps and feed into these lyrics. That's not life. Life is too short and precious to put things in your body that were made in someones kitchen. I don't care what the occasion is I'm never taking anything stronger than a shot of José.