Forever forgetful..

I swear I forget everything..it's beginning to become a problem..other than forgetting every password I have ever created..shit is getting real old, real fast.. I need to start writing these things down..I'll probably still forget even then..smh..I just forgot what I was about to write..this is exactly why I won't have children I'll probably forget my shorty somewhere and lose my damn mind.. I can't deal... 

Progress?

I guess I'm making process..I'm not sad anymore..it used to be unbearable..I couldn't understand how I could be so out of tune with the outside world because I was wallowing in my own sorrows..I don't wanna go back to that place..a place where I feel useless as a person and a woman..I felt like no one understood me so therefore I wouldn't share anything that was going on with me..I still don't really share but now I know that that's okay because some things you have to internalize and work out on your own..everything isn't for everyone to know..I'm not crazy there's nothing wrong with me and I'm not a ticking time bomb..I'm me and that's perfectly fine..

It's time..

I guess it's time for a new me..I've been too dependent on ppl and it exploded in a violent way recently..someone I trusted and loved like family threw me out on my ass and physically assaulted me but no one knows that last part..not that I'm embarrassed but because I was still protecting her even after everything went down..sometimes I'm the perfect person..more often than not but at least I try..it's time for a new me..I gotta do what I gotta do to make life comfortable for me..I'm 22 and I've never done anything for myself..well I have but somebody else convinced me to give that up..I'm back at square one and I'm thinking Air Force..most ppl would think I'm using the military as an escape but that's only partly true..though it would give me an escape from all this but it would give me something to be proud of..something I did..family isn't gonna be happy because they already think I'm a runner but this would give me an ability to do for me and still do things I want to in life..my mother would be mortified that I'm gonna be shipped off for war but I'm not worried about it..I want this..Somedays I get scared and change my mind but I just think about the positives..meeting new ppl, traveling, structure in my life, and some benefits..I'm not ready but I will be..

Just an outlet

My level of concentration is not where it needs to be this morning..I'm sitting in class literally doing not a damn thing..I have so much on my mind yet nothing at all..I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm just not feeling it..I was in a good mood when I got up this morning but I don't know what happened..I just wanna curl up in a ball and shed tears..for what? I don't know..must be a girl thing..I just don't wanna be here..I'd rather be anywhere else, hell even work..did I mention I don't have a valentine? That's nothing new though..I'm always alone on valentines day..well except last year but it started off horribly..ended with a bang though..😂😂 I just smiled..sometimes I find myself missing that kid but we were bad for each other..a fucking Pisces..picture that lol..with as much fire I have inside this Sagittarius body of mine, we would've killed each other..that was my boo though..one hell of a fuck..maybe that's my issue..I only see men as sexual objects..one hell of a role reversal right? I haven't really cared for or loved anyone since my love..idk why I can't get over it.. I'm over him but not the love..does that make sense..like I'm happy not being with him but I'm miserable without that love..I'm meant to love..I was made to love but I have no one to love..I'm ready to put in work in a meaningful relationship but I need a partner that's willing to do the same first..I'm patient but I'm getting worried..I'm still young though..sometimes I forget in just 22..I feel so much older though..having experienced love early on makes it difficult not to have it in your life..people always tell me to focus on school and a career and the love will come later but no one knows how much I crave that love..I'm at the point where I'm ready to start thinking about a family..I always say I don't want kids but that's a lie..I can't wait to have children..a boy and a girl..or 2 boys and a girl..I have to have a little mini me 💁💆💇💅👑 my little princess..little Cali..I love that name..that or Monroe..it's kinda old for a little girl though..could just name her Cali Monroe though..yea I like that Cali Monroe..

This Man..

This man
The way he makes me feel..
Elated..he takes me to higher heights..
I swear his love can't be of this world..
His fire is brighter than my eyes can bear
But still I can't take them off of his blaze..
Just the thought of him sets my skin afire
Just to be near him..
Can he feel my heat over his own?
He is mine..
What have I done to be blessed with such a man?
He loves my soul first and my body last..
He wrote his name on my heart..
His kisses leave me breathless
Waiting for what mountains his love will move next
Power..
He is strong for the both of us
Because God knows I am weak
Weak for this man he gave me..
My backbone and support
For if I am the tree, then he is my roots..
I am for show and he is to be proud..
When he looks at me I see
Love..
Passion..
Pride..
Strength..
Focus..
Peace..
But when I look back at this man I feel
Torment..
Distraction..
Weakness..
Shame..
Calmness..
Love..
I love this man more than I love myself..
But there is so much fear..
Fear that I am inadequate..
Do I deserve him?
Is this man for me?
This man is as close to perfection that the world will allow..
How can a woman so flawed have this man?
Love put us together and nothing can destroy that..
Not even my own doubts..
Every tear I shed
He kisses away
He loves a tormented woman
But this man of mine is up for the fight..
My gladiator
My knight in shining armor..
My mighty lion.
One day I will be strong for him..
One day my fervor for him with consume us..
One the rapture of my desire will set our bodies ablaze..
One day I will hold us afloat as the seas of life rock us..
One day I will shield him from shots taken at my man..
One day this man, my man will need this woman more than I need him..
And when that day comes I will be upstanding for this man..
My man..
This man..

Where Did I Go Wrong?

It seems like I never have anything positive to say when I'm up here. Every time I pop up here it's about some negativity in my life.. Maybe this is my outlet..Maybe I just don't have anyone to talk to..I'm confused..I don't like confusion in my life but it seems that I can't escape it..This isn't me..This is not the me I know..The me I know is happy..She is never confused..She is never defeated..never downtrodden..I need love..I need an unconditional that they sing about in love songs..Where is that love and why is it escaping me? What is it about me that no one can love..Now I'm just talking crazy..right? I don't even know and that's the part that scares me so much..I think I'm a good person..Sure I'm not perfect but who is? At least i try. I can't say the same about others but it seems as if they are doing better than be but good guys always finish last..Guess that goes for girls too..I don't where I went wrong I thought I would be on the top of the world by now but it's definitely the other way around..I can't fathom which one of my decisions got me here today..I'm so sorry..To whomever I hurt, I'm sorry..For whatever wrongs I have done, I'm sorry..For whatever wrongs I may do in the future, I'm sorry..I don't understand..Where did I go wrong?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🎉🎊🎈🎂🍰 I can't help but to feel blessed to be celebrating 22 years of living..at first I didn't think this birthday was going to be that good because I didn't have a lot of money or an ID to go out but I was wrong..it turned out to be a wonderful birthday because I got to spend it with family..the ones who truly love and care for me..I may not have all the material things but I have what counts the most..I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me and God willing I will be celebrating 23...